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everything was done by me
I’m tired of doing this anymore. I guess my life I’ve been living in a place where I always tried to shut my ears and eyes from getting hurt from what ever bad people say about me. I had enough growing up looking at people feeling disgusting about how I look, I’ve been hurting a lot on every time people talk about my scar acne face.
I was not so much mad at her I know that she been trying her hard to boost up my esteem, I just can’t help to feel pathetic about myself. I always want to hide what ever I have because I know it is just disgusting for people to see. I know what my brother said is true its not so much about how big or small you are it is just how well you feel.
The reason why I can live in a dump is because I just stop caring ever since the day I failed to get the right cured for my face. I know this is just an excuse, but I just eventually just stop care about everything because whenever I look at the mirror I always hated the way I look. Even though now my face is slowly clearing I still feel the same I still feel the hate, but as much as I hated it I’m trying to accept the fact that whatever I look at the mirror it was not God fault it was mine. I who made myself become that and I was the at fault who turn out to be like this. I know it is a bit too late to feel comfortable in my own skin, but I’m trying my best, but sadly no one sees it whenever I want encouragement all I get was joke saying that no matter how hard I tried I’m still in size XXL.
I’m really sorry to give you the silent treatment, I just don’t want to be even more hurt and I just don’t want to fight with you over this matter again because this is the first we fight because of this. I rather just walk away and get myself back together before I talk to you.Like I told you I was not really mad art you, I am more mad about myself.
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people should just kill them self.
It is hard to deal with bunch of people who just LOVE to talk bad about people. These people love to judge on the way people look, the way they behave mainly they judge everything about you regardless they know you or not.
I just HATE it when someone interfere with my life when the thing is “Bitch I don’t even know you!” and having someone that you love saying that they feel embarrassed to be with you make things even worst. WHAT! I can’t be mad knowing this? Throughout my life I’ve been talk of people mouth. When I was 6 years old everyone keep on telling me that I’m FAT AND UGLY, when I was in my Teen people don’t want to be near me because I’m ugly and stupid and because of my stupid acne face people can’t get enough on talking bout it, now Im in my 20’s people judge me because I don’t look like my mom where she dress well and I don’t. Why can’t you give me a fucking room to breath? WHY!! URGH!! growing up for me I have always hated they way I look, but now I’m trying to accept myself and trying to love it I’m beginning to be more conscious on the way I look, I try to put down my weight even though I don’t see any changes and my weight is not even going down and I’m trying to learn how to be confident with my own skin. Why can’t you people just BACK OFF!!
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who is this girl?
mom always told me
“before letting others accept you, you need to learn to accept yourself first.”
Throughout this 3 years time I’ve been serching for many ways to accept this girl name Aqilah and I finally did. Slowly I tried to let go those nightmare I face during my teens years and making them as a funny story that I will tell to people who need encouragement in life. To be honest I do know who is this Aqilah girl.
She is a bubly girl who easily light up if she met with the person she likes and will definetly talk about it for a week until it get out of her system. She will never forgot a person face even though she just met them about few seconds. She a dreamer and when she have free time from her assignmnet she tends to think about random stuff and just talk it to herself. Her kind of guys are just impossible to get, but she will easily fall for a guy who give her a really honest smile and values his family and friends. She a fighter and a challenger, when ever people said the opposite she will try to do it no matter how impossible it maybe, but easily breakdown if she fails. She the girl who mature quite late among others in her family, but will try to give advice to people who she love even though her words doesnt make any sense. She love sweet food and dessert, but trying not to eat too much because she always thinks that she look fugly and as for now she trying to embrace it her FUGLY-NESS she finally learn how to ignore what ever nonsense of critics people say about her looks because she knows that she just need herself to feel happy and love her looks. She hardworking and do not know how to divide her time well between student life and normal life as a girl. She needs to learn how to be social and in the same time know her ground and lastly she will try her best get the full out of life no matter how dark is the tunnel she in.
So if ever I met him this is the first introduction I want him to know about me.
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a temporary goodbye.
In few more days, the two people that I love the most have to depart away from us for a month. As much as I dont want to say my goodbye to them I have to let them go and I believe I have to be strong without tears or even without regreting. They often said sometimes a temporary goodbye can be forever and I pray to god really much that they will comeback together that is the only wish I want from him. Honestly, Im trying my best to be strong for this beacause I know they are going for a good deeds and I cant let my selfishness to be in the way.
I know all this time I’ve been doing so many wrong instead of good and I hope they will forgive me for all that. lately mom ask me why didnt I show anything knowing that they leaving soon I told her we are worried too just that we dont want to show it to you. To be completely honest, I am scared on alot of things. I might look all brave and strong on the outside, but in the inside I am like a little girl who just want to hold her mom hands and never let it go. I know people keep on telling me to grow up and be indepedent I did tried, but its not as easy for me to do it.
I cant never imagine myself living my life without any of them, they are my strength to go through all this madness in life. yeah I may fight and sometimes say things that I should never say to them, but I love them more then my life and I would never trade them over anything, yes I may see them as the overly protecting parents, but that is only too show how they care for us. If I could turn back time I would definetly slap myself when I never understand why are doing all those to me.
I got a mom who always listen to my nonsense no matter how tired she may be, knowing that her daughter is annoying as hell and a dad who never said no to anything I want he may say he disgreement, but he tried to fullfil it no matter how hard it is. I know Im not the perfect daugther they could have or a daughter that listen to them, but Im trying my best. To them we are the best gift from god, but to me they are the best gift god ever given to me and I know I never take care of my stuff well, but I want to take care of them really well and I never want to feel any regret in life.
To mom and dad hope you can do ur Hajj well and I wish for all ur safety and I will do all the things that I have promise to you and hope you will comeback here safely and I love you <3
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Finally I have the time to write about this. So this year was the year where my 7 years of dream on visiting Seoul, Korea came to reality. So what do I have to say about this trip. It was Awesome!, painful yet AWESOME! Seriously if you first visited Seoul at first you could feel the love just yet because there were too many stairs for you to climb when you fist step foot in the town, but after a while you while slowly fall in love with it.
One of the best memory on arriving Korea, I manage to witness the crazy korean fans there Super Junior just came back from overseas and there were like all this huge crowd waiting at the arrival gate. The experience was really funny because I was quite shock looking at all their lenses it was huge and more geng than mine. I feel quite a shame to be called a photography when I stand next to them haha. Eunghuk came out dressing like Maryn Monroe was just so funny. all the girl fans was seriously screaming crazily I do feel like I almost lost my hearing because of them xD
During our second day the minute I step foot at Insadong I was in love with that place. It was really artsy fartsy the way they design that area it make you feel happy. The Gyeongbuk palace was really beautiful as a designer I do feel that Korea is a really colourful country to be inspired. The colour use by them are really vibrant just like their traditional clothes “Hambuk”. One thing I love about korea apart from the good looking guys =P I love how they still preserve the nature you can still see mountain in the town area and also greens. I do hope that oneday I can live there ^^
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Panda madness! why are they so adorable just can’t take my eyes of this little fluffy guy. Seriously can I adopt a panda and name it machichan!
Photo from:http://weheartit.com/entry/26867951
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Apr 20thLooking at this somehow make me feel like I’m in Foundation again. In-fact what I can say is I never actually left KBU, but all this while KBU came to me.
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The bucket list.
There are few things in life that I have not close to discover. So I have come out with my own bucket wish list that I hope to be fulfill before I die.
1) Travel around the world before I get marry or at least 8 different country including Europe.
2) Travel to Seoul, South Korea
3) get rid of my fear of cats
4)learn at least 5 different language
5) fit in a skinny jeans or size M
6)be in a newspaper
7) create a vlog
8) establish a well known self brand
9) establish my comic
10) learn how to skateboard
11) learn at least 1 instrument
12)bungee jump
13) sky diving
14) mountain hiking
15) tell the person I like that I like him
16) get myself a mac
17) get the dream apartment I always wanted
18) work in overseas
19)be an awesome designer
20) Get a coop!
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pip-boy3000 asked: Wait, I have you in my friendlist in facebook, haha!
yes! haha =D
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